People can be all shades of crazy, and if you add sex to the mix, it's bound to be hilarious. Enjoy the Reddit thread.
This list was created by Alex, TheChive, enjoy the read.
1. This girl couldn’t wait to ride Vlaid
Was about two millimeters away from entering this one girl, and she belts out “OH! Take me to the moon!”
Internally, I was laughing my ass off while my dick seemed like it hit a patch of “Insta-Soft”. As she was a virgin, I felt terrible blaming her for my sudden lack of boner. I simply told her it was performance anxiety and fell on my own sword flaccid noodle.
2. Aluusha met someone who announce their orgasm weirdly
He said, in Nigel Thronberry’s voice “oh, aluushka, I’m arriving.” It was so awkward but I couldn’t stop laughing.
3. Thelaw316’s girlfriend ran commentary throughout orgasm
My girlfriend is a talker. However, at one point, mid gasping orgasm, “I always assumed I’d have a wide variety of sexual partners but if this is what you do then I don’t see it as a high priority!” It was like having sex with an auctioneer.
4. This lady asked pantyscrambler the owner of her pussy.
She slapped my ass and said “who’s pussy is this?” It was our first time and I wasn’t sure if it was hers or mine, so I ignored her. She did it again but this time she pinched my nipples and screamed “Answer me!!!” Having a 50/50 chance I said it was my pussy. Afterwards she says that’s right, it’s your pussy. Don’t forget it. 7 years later, it’s STILL my pussy, lol.
5. Lolwutwhere’s girlfriend is a team player
Had a girlfriend once who pulled away from my dick after giving me head, looked directly into my eyes, swallowed, and said “go team.”
6. Kinsorya had a weird mirror moment during sex
Was once having sex with my SO doggy style and in front of us was a mirror, I waved at her through the mirror and she laughed so hard that she pissed all over my dick and the bed
7. Maebtonight1 didn’t want to a taste of his pepperoni
Old fwb liked to dirty talk (so do I ), but in one of our sessions, he kept referring to his penis as his “pepperoni”.
“You want a taste of this pepperoni?”. No. No, I don’t.
Dried me up like the Sahara desert.
8. YoungRaddish hooked up with a Frenchman that announced penetration
Was having sex with a french guy. On his heaviest, thickest french accent, he said “I will now put my penis in your vagina.” I laughed and it both got us off the mood.
9. EnsonAmata found out not all sex tips should be taken from Cosmo
My ex had apparently read in Cosmo that guys like to have their assholes finger-blasted. So, one night, she’s giving me a blowjob and decided to give me the ol sneaky finger. I lurched forward and accidentally shoved my dick down her throat. She puked. Then I puked. We never spoke of it again.
10. Rough_and_Ready really likes it rough
The first time I ended up in bed with an old fuck buddy, he asked me to don a pair of boxing gloves and punch him across the face and chest. This in itself wasn’t really unexpected as we’d already talked about how that kind of thing turned him on. The unexpected part was how much I got off on it. I discovered a new kink that night.
11. JustJoeB’s date was on the phone while riding the dick
Her mom called mid-sex. She was expecting the call because of some family issue so when the phone rang while she was riding me, she looked at the caller ID, got off me and just said “I have to take this, wait” (she explained after the fact who it was and why she was expecting it, on the moment it was really unexpected for me).
The call lasted around 30 minutes and we were both sitting naked on the bed, her talking about something serious to her mom and me just awkwardly there with my now flaccid penis hidden in a cold and wet condom.
After she was done, it was clear for both of us that the mood was gone but she told me “you should have finished without me”. Yeah, I would have felt really weird jerking off right next to her while she was on the phone with her mom…
12. 71704031808 hooked up with a psycho
My first time with her (I had known her for all of two days), she tried to finger my butt hole, bit my dick rather hard, and said to me (as we were having sex) “Pretend like you love me” and “I just want to pretend like someone cares about me.” Absolutely none of those things were turn ons.
13. Boiler_drum had a weird sex encounter
One night stand. She just stops in the middle of the act, goes to the adjecent room naked and starts yelling “Mrs X, helloo… Are you alive? Are you breathing?”. Returns promptly and continues as if nothing happened.
Turns out, she was hired to take care of an elderly woman so she could live with her rent-free.
The old lady was found dead a day or two after that.
14. Viberight’s lady is rather nasty
She came really hard as I did too, her vagina clenched really hard (that felt like heaven) which then pushed my penis out and she sharted.
ALSO READ: 16 things women think of when having sex
15. Gracepark’s surprise didn’t do much
I had asked my partner if I could wake him up with a bj the next morning. He laughed and said “sure sounds sexy”. Despite some rather vigorous action, he didn’t wake up. Start to finish, mostly flaccid, but finished none the less. He was snoring the whole time. I always wonder what he dreamt…
16. Shasta_McBadnasty couldn’t have any worse
She didn’t tell me she was recovering from surgery for endometriosis. We turned on the lights after we had finished and there was blood every where. Ends up I had blown a hole through her resulting in a trip to the ER. I can think of several better ways to meet her entire family for the first time. They just kept staring at me. They knew what I had done.
17. Yo-effing-lo made sex into a military drill
I yelled “PIVAHT!” when I turnt her over for doggy style. She then proceeded to laugh so hard she fell off the bed. No more sex.
18. Freschyfresch’s lady is a bold one
I threw a party at my place first semester of college. Girl and I got drunk and fucked all night. She had to get up the next morning to do sorority stuff. 6am sits on my face and yells eat my pussy! We’ve been dating for a year and a half.
19. Aidyfarman’s lady like to spice things up
My wife usually waits until we’re near the end and then starts asking “Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?”
ALSO READ: What to do if his penis is too big
20. Brewski4broski’s woman thought wrong
Ex gf. She was riding me, and when I was about to come (she knew it) she started choking me, riding me faster, and then slapped me in the face. After it was done, she asked me if I liked it. I did not.
21. KittyBongo was pissed at a silly prank
He had initiated things and I took a moment to get ready in the bathroom. He wanted to start things off with a blowjob, so I get down on my knees and pull my hair back and lean in, and it hits me. This pungent smell. I’m like “wtf is that?” but I’m a trooper and I try to go for it anyway. But it reeks, it’s like the worst fish ever. Literally fish. Salmon. So I lean back and I’m like “I don’t know what’s going on, but something’s wrong.” He fucking bursts out laughing and yells “GOT YOU!!!!”
While I was in the bathroom, he had gone to the kitchen and rubbed salmon on his dick.
I still can’t even fathom why he thought that would be a good idea.
22. PurpleGreen23’s husband is weird as fuck.
My husband spread my ass cheeks…and got face real close to my butt hole and just screamed. Like screamed as loud as he could. It was so violating for a second and then i died laughing.
He’s lucky the void didn’t shout back.
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