How To Spot A Lagos 'Runs' Babe

So I decided to write about a common phenomenon in my city Lagos, called 'Runs' Aka 'Parole' Aka 'Professional Mistress(es)'.

I did an in depth research on this subject and came up blank and unsatisfied with my results. So I watched some Nollywood movies and went through Nigerian Instagram. There's always a fight between 'Runs girls' on instagram, they even openly insult themselves on social media. With comments like;

"Oh @SugarBabyCrankberryJuice everybody knows that it was Alhaji Hassan that bought that range rover for you. And the house in Lekki @HotBadGirlRiri told me you sleep with him when his wife is out of town"

I promise you, I see comments like that all the time. This is not a joke. Take this seriously. So in my mind I envision Monica Lewinsky who is from a very affluent family in Southern California. AKA she was born with a silver spoon, a university graduate of Psychology. Prior to her affair with Bill Clinton the President of the United States of America at the said time, she had an affair with another married man before she was linked with bill clinton. (So maybe she had a thing for married men. We can't say if she was doing it for money, which is highly unlikely seeing as she had/has a trust fund and dined in Beverly hills before she met the former President.

Anyways, so after all that research on Monica Lewinsky's background. I have come to a final conclusion. There are indeed different grades and types of these class of Ladies. With my little understanding and limited exposure I'll like to explain what I mean.

1. The Professional Mistresses

These type of women are not interested in the financial gain, they are the type of women that are of a very different type of breed if I must say. These women are fully aware that the men they have their eyes on are married men, but because they are in love or are seeking a gain, like a merger of her multi million naira company with his multi billion naira company.

Or a contract. They pay no mind to the relationship status of these men.

In most cases these women are from affluent homes and have proper education. So in my opinion they are more expensive. She won't ask you to buy her a range rover (she already has a range rover) you'll buy her boats, priceless artifacts, take her to New York for the fashion week. She's the type of woman that buys things off the runway.

2. Parole babe AKA 1800 Choke that hoe.

These are the sort of women you have your PA organize for you. Like take for instance a successful businessman that is always on the move from one city to the next or one country to the next. These men get lonely and bored in their hotel rooms, so they need a lady for the night with a backpack.

Backpack because, this said lady needs her supplies because she's going to stay the whole weekend.

Sometimes she might have to come with a friend or two depends on the man in question sexual preference. (That is not our business now)

She knows her place, she doesn't care if you're married to a woman or mermaid her job is to please you for the weekend. And if she is 'presentable' she can act as an escort to events you have lined up for the weekend. She can't be a non drinker or smoker.

For the length of time she is under your service, she has to entertain and amuse you to your satisfaction.

If you ask her any questions, it is; 'Yes I will', 'Yes I can'.

These Ladies earn a decent fee, depends on the man's financial buoyancy.

They are not retain able, and they are not allowed to collect phone numbers of the men or contact information. After the weekend it is over and done with.

3. The Runs Babe AKA #MissYouCantSeatWithUs

*drumroll* Most of us are very familiar with these class of women, because they are everywhere! They are by your side, in your churches, in your favorite beauty parlor, on your coffee table right now. (I'm kidding)

A runs babe, Is the type of woman that has sexual relations with a man, (married, single, hermaphrodite, trans gender) and collects money/perfumes/phones from him at the end of the said act. But this is the twist, she doesn't just have one particular man that she does this with, she has various men in various geographical locations. A runs babe is in denial, because she hates being tagged as a runs babe, she wants to be called a professional mistress or a girlfriend. But she is not.

These Ladies, are comfortable with the most mundane things, like they are at their happiest when they buy expensive hairpieces, shop on instagram boutiques, take photos in intercontinental Hotel, have lunch at Radisson Blu, go to Palms to see a late night movie, trips to Dubai (they like Dubai), get many likes on Instagram, change DP's constantly on their blackberry phones, twitter followers and WEDGE sneakers.

Yes, they get call backs from their Aristos and the works.

They are not expensive at all. At all.

This is not a diss article. I am simply writing on trending issues. I do this for the art and your entertainment. It is believed that a high percentage of these type of women live in Lekki phase 1. I don't know how true this is, but with this extensive guidelines I've given I think I have opened a can of worms in every household.

Written by Oghomwen Toni-Osagie

DISCLAIMER: This is not a diss article, or a tell all memoir *adjusts halo*. I and Pulse.ng cannot be held responsible for the words and street slangs in this article. I am doing it strictly for the art and your entertainment.