Amebo Pulse: When the Gossips Overflows

How do we start? I feel sick. After staring at Karen Igho’s boobs, for 48 hours, I developed a terminal case of lovesickness. My life is running out, I have written my will, and my most valuable possessing, my golden toothpick will be given to the fan who gives me the sweetest love poem for Tonto Dikeh. But do fast before love kill me. Amebo and Juliet. Let’s go there. Goodmorning Nigeria.

Quote of the week:

I don’t know about Peter and Paul but me personally I won’t sign any artiste until P-Square stops singing, that is the same thing I said when you asked me why I’m not shooting videos for other artistes, everyone that comes under this umbrella will start comparing.’An Opportunist.

See am there! Make una catch am! Thief, ole! Give us back our N50 million. EFCC where are you? Absent? Nonsense.

I had a chat with last week during ’s album launch. He nicodemus-ly sneaked out of kirikiri prison where he has been hiding from the EFCC. He was in tears as he begged for my protection. Since I like the look in his eyes, I simply sent out all my snipers to cover the are. Only then, could crawl out like the thief in the night. Poor bobo. Who send you go join politics? Acting been no dey make you and your family feel alright abi? But nothing spoil. After the show which went smoothly, , real gentleman that he is came over for a goodbye bear-hug. Christ! His scent, his perfume, his smile, his dimple, his semi-bald head…I think I’m in love..

After all the millions of dollars spent, and the countless hours of visiting evil-looking plastic surgeons, has failed in her aspiration to be a giant-arsed big Barbie Doll. This week she fired two of her long-serving fashion lieutenants. The wig designer, and the very poor make-up artiste. Bad doll.

Nicki darling, why don’t you also kick out the plastic surgeon who’s given you an arse like wow, and a figure worthy of secret worship. You don’t need new brands of mascara, or Australian hair. What you need is a good surgery carried out by my local hausa butcher. He’ll sure cut your ego to size. Wallahi. Also understand this, mirror no dey lie. If you’re ugly in the mirror, then you’re one ugly sister. Deal with that, or also sack your mama.

is having a serious case of Yoruba malaria. has joined her ancestors, all his other artistes are certified liabilities, and now, the only half-decent madman ()he has left is about to leave for other labels flowing with chicks and money. When I heard the news I laugh well well, until my oga vex, come force me to go console the man. The following conversation took place.

Oga Kennis: welcome o. thanks for coming.

: Thank you jare. I heard the bad news, and came to wish you safe passage to bankruptcy.

Oga Kennis: (coughs) left before I could milk him dry and finish my house in Ajegunle, leave music follow woman, Eedris is too busy fighting in Mushin to sing any decent gbedu, just die like that. Why me Oluwa? Now all I have left are…

, , these are not musicians, they are more suited to weed-smoking and kick-boxing. I wonder how any music breaks out at all from your label. Sha God dey. Maybe your time don reach. Shut up your mouth and suffer like thief.

And with that I laughed my way out of his office. E sweet me die.

National unemployment rates is increasing everyday, E hard to get better work fo naija, sotay our celebrities don dey apply to work for LASTMA…sorry, FRSC (Whether lastma or frsc, they are all a bunch of ganja-smokers. Avoid them all).

I sent in my application when I saw the vacancy, with my best skill in bus conductor-catching, I thought I had sealed the job. Until they chased me away and said many celebrities also applied too. And they got the job. Na Oge Okoye go fight conductor, or Seyi Law go end go-slow? God help us.

Aah! No mind those girls jare. Them think say na to born 8 for me then force me to go see their mama. No mind them. Them go born 15 and I go marry one woman. Funny right? Marry one, get ten free. No dulling.

Who send una? Whether I wear sucker pant, or third-hand papa-dash-me boxers, how e use concern una. Listen haters, I am sexy and I know it. Deal with that.

Please look away, I'm shy.

I know miss...that's why i have my face covered...except my eyes.

Until next week. See you in Heaven.