Amebo Pulse: The Judgement Of Banky The Hankie

Hullo my people, I don come again. Like Fela bin talk, everything na wonder wonder. Yesso, last week, we celebrated the emergence of another celebrity, an unfortunate superstar. It’s been quite a while since someone spectacularly and mumu-ishly just came and cracked us all up, taking the title of bad english from our celebrated Patience Jonathan. Even D’Banj dey jealous the guy. The guy bin sell well well. He even sold more than Tonto Dikeh will ever hope to sell even in her best nightmare. And as I write this, na the guy clothe wey dey my dirty body. Fine Amebo wey sabi fashion. Ladies and Gentlemen, Guyman and Babe, Mama and Papa, Boys and Girls, Agbero and Ashawo, Ajebo and Kpako, join me as I welcome the best of Nigerian Entertainment, the new face of stupidity and the model of brand laughter. It’s my oga at the TOOOOOOP! That’s all. But wait! I don’t want to celebrate him yet because I might write one thing now and my oga at the top will write another thing. So let’s maintain and hold our peace. I even hear say them don suspend the guy, Why na? Abeg na? ehn? Una be bad-belle o. With all the boko haram business disturbing us every day and making us shed tears like castrated mosquitoes (I”ve seen one cry before in my ear), We Nigerians need a little laughter in our lives. So whether na basketmouth or na Oga at the top provide am, all follow. So in the name of Amebo the magnificient, I order you to reinstate that comedian, and increase his salary. Even add comedy allowance to his pay packet. You hear me? Nonsense. Vex don begin dey catching me, so make we go down to business before I explodutunu. Goodmorning jare.

Judgement Time For The Handkerchief Of Wizkid (Hanky W)

Ahem. I’ve never been one to like Banky W. With his handsome looks, rich voice, plenty pepper, and tush-ness, what’s to like about him? Wetin come really vex me be say my girlfriend see me one day, come tell me say, “Honey, why don’t you have baldhead, don’t you know baldhead is sexy? See Banky W na? check out his face, his eyes, his smi…” Sho? I no allow her finish, I didn’t complain. I just grabbed her from behind and threw her out the window and my world was brighter again. Thank God for the gift of windows. It is marvelous in our site.

Back to the matter. After hearing both sides in respect to Hanky W and Wizkid split, I have come up with a fair judgement. But first, here at the charges against you, fine Hanky.

1. Chopping the small money of Wizkid. The boy go sweat finish, you go clean all him sweat. E good? your name na Hanky? Hanky W.

2. Seducing all my past, present and future girlfriends with a voice like Angel Gabriel and a face like papi-water.

3. Forming French Chef, when Iyabasira cook pass you and leaving the time-honoured course of engineering for a runabout with all these musical wannabes. In other words, you are a beacon of hope to all those children wey no sabi book.

Having read and found you to be guilty on all counts of fine-boyism, I therefore sentence you to death by singing…U go sing ooooo, until your song do you strong tin.. No stop until you die O. Nonsense.

Psquare, Importer-exporter!

Bunkery? Yes my people. Igbo man, go always be igbo man. Whether na, president o, or na musician o, him go wan sell something or do bizinesu. Last week After seeing how much the ex-militants made from pipeline vandalisation and also seen the wealth of Alison-Madueke Diezani (our darling mama subsidy), Psquare demno wan sing again o. They want join the oil sector. Who money dey bitter? Them no wan join the shell, or chevron, No. those companies no dey pay well. They wan do Bunkery. Big boys bunkery. That is, stealing crude oil in a big boys way. The type of bunkery wey police go dey escort you go thief fuel for night. But make I talk so that when E happen, dem no go talk say Amebo no put mouth. So here’s my take on the fuel mata, “ I dey see danger, danger wahala dey”.

Iyanya Breaks Up with Producer D’tunes

After winning project indomie…sorry, project fame, Iyanya had a lot of fans who wouldn’t touch his songs, with a long stick. Because his music was a bad imitation of djinee, with lyrics sounding like it was copied from Darey’s girlfriend’s sms. Even if na to download am free, them no want. Things bin red red for am sotay me wey my own no good come dey pity am. Then suddenly the guy is all over the place like money mericine, giving us one hit after the other. You know why? It’s not the result of his last visit to that babalawo, it’s a lot better than that. He stopped forming Westlife, and began to take life seriously. How? He met one former ajegunle mixer called D’Tunes. And the bobo changed his singing pattern from sounding like Backstreet boys to being a Dbanjer. The guy bin good sotay Iyanya announces him on his song. “ It’s D’Tunes again o”. Now they’ve broken up, and I see shades of hard life begin to close around Iyanya. Abeg reconcile quick quick o. Unless you wan follow the likes of Sky B (the talent-less opportunist), Pastor Goody Goody (who’s been in the pipeline for over ten years), and Tonto Dikeh (wey never serious). Abeg o.

2face Drive Your New Car

Last week when the generous Governor of Akwa Ibom State gave two 2face and his new wife Annie Macauley 2 Prado Jeeps, the whole country catch malaria, begin dey shout like say na their money. Sorry you hear? But I am used to all of una bad belle. No shaking. But what really surprised me was when 2face said he will consider whether to accept the cars or not, I went into shock for 7 days. I even had to check well if na Nigeria Wey I come from be dis. Until 2face made my day. He accepted the cars, with thanksgiving of course. Listen everyone, it is bad manners to reject good gifts. Who will tell me that if the governor of his state were to give him 2 jeeps for wedding gifts, that he’ll politely decline the gesture. Step forward make I break yoiur lying head. When heaven drops a plum, open your mouth swallow am. This national moi moi na turn by turn. When your turn reach, you chop am, even find national pepsi to drink. So enjoy your new ride 2face.

M.I, Leave Madness for Terry G

Think of M.I and the image in your head will be that of a very short man who does ajebo rap, drinks champagne for breakfast, smokes the best Havana cigar for lunch, and spends his evening reading poetry for his beautiful girlfriend. Very Classy and tush, hmm? But listen to his new song , and you go swear say that guy bin live for Warri. Something about street-fights and the unholy use of bottles for head-breaking. Even the song name sounds like something from a madman’s toilet session. M.I, we are scared o.

Where All Of Darey's Stolen Money Went

Now we know where Darey's stolen money went. The reality Thief-V star got a surgery...that involved the use of her blood. Now she's more like Dracula than the beauty goddess...

Until next week ...