Amebo Pulse: Much Ado About A Kim

Oya fire and brimstone! Who be that wey dey pain for belle? Who? Dem never born you! Hahahahaha. I laugh in English. Last week I went public with the first edition of this goodness and the reaction has been tremendous. Not from my fans (Who send una?) but from the Celebrities (that’s what I’m talking about). I received an encouraging traffic of calls to my Nokia 3310 from celebrities wey e dey pain. As usual, I laughed them off as just another publicity stunt until they began to threaten my very existence. Still I kept mute, choosing to concentrate on Tonto Dikeh (my crush) and the cat-fights from EME label. But then I heard the killer line, “I will sue you.” So I screamed in panic, ran out, and signed up the meanest looking lawyer to ever walk out the front doors of Lagos law school. And goodness! His favorite hobby is kick-boxing. So here’s my warning, Beware! Mad Lawyers On Patrol. Phew! That said, let’s get down to business. Good morning everyone.

Save our Wizkid

(singing) It’s your boy Wizi…

Last week Wizkid rented a cool mansion in Lekki for long-term occupancy but he wasn’t allowed to pack his bags from Banky W’s backyard and move in. Wonder why? Here’s the shocker. He was broke. Dry, empty, poor. E red for that guy. He couldn’t complete the payment, then he made a part-payment for the rental. So after pleading with oga landlord for 2 days now, the pot-bellied man refused, so I have decided to help. In the spirit of ‘Valantine’, I have opened a bank account where you can all make donations for his house rent. Here are the account details:

Account name: Helep the poor

Account number: 419419419419

Bank: United Bank Of Amebo (UBA)

God bless you as you positively affect a life.

Rihanna: With love from London

Last weekend Rihanna launched her fashion line at the London Fashion Week. Wow! So I got into my private jet, zoomed off to London and tried to buy up all her wares. But I got disappointed because the price of a bikini for was enough to cripple my Local Government Area account. So I flew back to Nigeria, cursing out loud. But not before I sent my hitman who fired a bottle at her, made her cut her legs, and broke her bodyguard’s leg when he tried to be a hero. All in one night’s work. Ever wondered what would happen to you Yvonne Nelson if I should deploy that moron to your house? Not even a hundred Ice-Prince Charming will save you.

Kim Kardashian Scams Darey

Over the years, Nigerians all over the globe has come to forge a bit of a reputation as 419ers, Yahoo-men, con artists and bad-sharp-guys. When we travel out, we are given the highest level of security clearance, and made to suffer dehumanizing treatment. So one would expect the rest of the world wouldn’t dare visit here, not to think of pulling a fast one on a Naija guy. But not Kim Kardashian. The talent-less celebrity in James Bond style, flew into Nigeria at night, spent 45 minutes, and flew out smiling with the sum of $500,000 (N79M) sitting nice beside her pregnant self.

E pain me die. She came to our home and collected three points. We must do back! So step forward Agent 2face and receive your mission. “ This summer, Jay Z and that red-head Justin Timberlake would go on a tour. I want you to infiltrate their show, and retrieve that money back. Do you copy? Good. So go do your country proud, our prayers are with you.” But for now, the score line reads: America 1: 0 Nigeria.

Terry My Son

Last week Terry G bought his Father a brand new Nissan Xterra and I sat in confusion for 6 hours thinking about this. I couldn’t make any sense out of it so I walked away disturbed.

Moral of the Story: There’s a drop of sanity in every madman.

Eau De Banky

Ingenuity. Song. Vision. Creation. Slow down and be.

Are we watching a commercial for a new fragrance or are we watching Banky W make a performance? It's hard to say.

Where other performers evoke bombastic movie trailers, everything about witnessing the Nigerian RnB on the stage conjures the woozy, feeling-driven sell of a cologne advert. Except that these adverts work.

To see the Grand Love Concert last week was to be captivated by Banky W. He moves in a different way to his peers, on a slightly lower frequency. He seems surrounded in an invisible mist while brooding strings rustle in the background, compelling you to cheer from your seat.

His subtle persuasion tricks you into thinking that he is something you want, something you need. In the end, he’s just a another musician – but too late, you've bought it. And you're glad that you didn't go for Eau de Darey instead.

So give in to the moment. Embrace it. Joy. Man. Voice. Bald-head. Banky – pour homme AND pour femme.

See you next week.