Often times in life, we grow up with a set of beliefs that we dogmatically stick to for most of our lives.

They feel like our own ideas. Truths we reached in our minds after a period of logical reasoning but in actual fact they are seeds that were implanted in us in our formative years through interpersonal communication or exposure to our social environment. One of these ideas, is marriage.

@Sir_fin, a Twitter user recently asked members of the Nigerian twitterverse why they want to get married. The results as usual ranged from the comical to brutally honest. The common answers were a variety of statements that focused on love and companionship.

So why get married?

Marriage as an idea is a ‘socially or ritually recognized union between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between those spouses’ (Cultural Anthropology, William Haviland). Over the course of human history, the reasons for marriage has moved from social, legal, libidinal, emotional, financial, religious purposes with a more recent trend favoring emotional reasons, an unsurprising coincidence with increasing individual freedom of choice.

For many people however, the desire to get married still hinges on third party reasons like family and religion. So while they definitely want a partner for emotional reasons, the decision to establish it under the institution of marriage is driven by religious and social reasons.

Why get married today? The benefits that come with modern marriage institution can be classified into two parts: Institutional and Emotional benefits.

Institutional benefits are legal rights accrued to spouses on the signing of their marriage license such as the legal validity of prenuptial agreement, spousal support, financial and spousal privilege in the case of a crime. Other benefits include the transfer of properties to the spouse after death in the absence of a will. I know, romantic.

The popular and acceptable reasons people declare for marriage – no one really comes out to say they are marrying for money – are the emotional benefits of a committed partner. Love and Companionship. The fulfillment of fairy tales peddled by romantic comedies and novels. On paper, these are great and admirable reasons to get married, the problem however is the attainment of this fairy tale is neither limited nor dependent on the institution of marriage.

The rise of cohabitation

If the goal of marriage for many is a chance to spend the rest of their lives in love and companionship with a human their heart desires, it would be wise to consider a system that ensures that possibility in its purest form.

Not until recently did the popular motive for marriage become a noble, humanizing one. For a long time in human history, its purpose was either political, religious or financial. An institution that was born of a tradition of control and self-aggrandization is unlikely to become a conduit for actualization of romantic wishes.

Cohabitation provides an unblemished representation of this romantic ideal. The agreement of two to be together simply because they choose and want to be without the safety nets of divorce laws. Cohabitation is stripped of the undertone of obligations that comes with marriage. A woman who chooses to cook for her partner does so not for a promise of marriage or in fulfillment of the cultural role of the wife, but out of love and care for her partner.

Sex is a fun and intimate ritual between partners and not an obligation to avoid grounds for divorce. More importantly, the ability to walk away anytime you choose without the trouble of legal fights means the continued existence of a relationship is more often than not a personal choice to be with said partner.

Those who try to spin marriage as an unblemished symbol of commitment would do well to understand that true commitment is a personal decision free of legal consequences. Any commitment that requires the backing of a piece of paper becomes an obligation.

In my experience and that of those I’ve spoken to about this, the argument against cohabitation stems majorly from two reasons – Religion/Culture and the fear of sudden/ease of finality. I’ve given responses against these reasons and I will do so again

Religion/Culture – Seeing as I’m more familiar with the Christian religion, I will answer from the Christian perspective. There are two ways to look at this. One, while the bible isn’t out rightly pro-cohabitation, its definition of marriage is loosely defined as two people choosing to leave their parents’ house and be together, a definition that satisfies the act that is cohabitation. For those who need a religious text to decide how to live their lives to full satisfaction, this is a good excuse.

Two. For culturists, they are man-made rules whose superiority is derived from their age of existence. Their validity is as strong as the age old patriarchal belief that men are superior to women.

Fear of Sudden/Ease of Finality – The problem with this argument is it assumes one’s partner does not share the lifelong dream of a committed relationship with them. If this is true, why do you want to get married to them in the first place? A logical answer to that might be that people change and feelings change. True, but why do you want a legal compensation for if this happens?

If you believe that, you could simply mourn the end of your relationship and move on with your life, why is it important that you get something in return for time spent being with someone you claim to love? Also, this argument fails to consider death. Your partner could die at any time, without warning.

As for those who worry about how easy a partner could walk away, a simple question to ask would be – if someone decides they no longer want to be in your life, would you rather they leave easily or you prefer a series of exhilarating court battles to achieve the same effect?

Also, a marriage license wouldn’t stop a man or woman from choosing to pack his/her bags and move to another city to be with the LOHL. All it does it grant you the right to material possessions.

One important negative to getting married as our society stands today is the social stigma that comes with divorce. Many are forced to stay in loveless marriages to avoid this stigma, some claim they do so for their children in total disservice to themselves.

This is another aspect where cohabitation shines. A relationship that’s become loveless can be ended at any point without legal melodrama and the stigma that comes with it. It’s simply a breakup. In cases where kids are involved, we have established laws that protects the child whether in terms of custody or support, regardless of the marital status of both parents.

Simply put, the marriage institution has no inherent benefit for the fulfillment of the romantic ideal. Cohabitation does, however and doesn’t come with the stress, legal battles and social stigma that divorce comes with.

Marriage as an institution is about seeking the approval of civil or religious institutions and the benefits that come with them. There is a rise in the number of modern day couples embracing cohabitation and the belief is it will continue to rise and it should.

If our goal as a species is to create a culture of lifelong relationships defined by love and affection, the best way to achieve this is through an environment stripped of obligations but one forged by desire and choice and the marriage institution isn’t that.

Written by Adeola Seun

Adeola Seun is a humanist. Big believer in common sense. Arsenal lover.