3 new wonders from Apostle Suleman's debacle

So, you probably already know about the mess involving Apostle Suleman.

I did a previous post about three amazing things we now know because of the situation that's actually getting more ridiculous. Remember when I talked about how that there are some situations in which you don't try to defend someone because … you just make things worse?

Madam Suleman has jumped out with a new video. The first one was predictable. But this one? Ha! It's so baffling that there are multiple ways to unpack this. But I'll keep it to three:

1. Those winter clothes

I'm confused. I just am. How can anyone not be? I thought this was something that Nollywood used to do when they didn't know better. The entire wardrobe doesn't even make sense. Wilhelmina Slater from Ugly Betty has a real reason to pass out and everyone in The Devil Wears Prada would be on anti-depressants.

What with almost everyone and their spirit guide claiming to be a stylist in Nigeria these days, on what realm was an excuse concocted for the entire … wardrobe? This is what happens when you have in-house enemies! May you not marry a man who exposes you to this.

2. Amma stand by my man (of gaaaaaad)

Yes, I'm mocking. How can I not? This is too good to pass up. I remember a slightly different situation in which one unmarried female tried to take me to task about how I was persecuting her pastor, on the word of his 'wicked' wife.

I told her, “I wish you the same kind of godly husband” and chic has gone telling everyone that I cursed her. Really? How can a husband like this be a curse, please? I thought a 'godly' husband was the aspiration. Yeye dey stink so bad that LASTMA cannot even cope and every environmental/health agency has given up.

At least some folk have discovered their non-existent talent for singing/photography/directing. Nollywood, take note. And avoid.

3. Touchery and the anointed

Can the 'anointer' do a better job of keeping the 'anointed' in check? That's the only thing that will stop exposing the 'anointed' to self-inflicted ridicule. Not forming online voltron and speaking meaningless words that even your shadow cannot be affected by.

Yes, I hear folk say how you should respect 'the office and the anointing'. Or how that nobody has a right to judge. And how people will be cursed if they judge, like in Moses' and Miriam's case. Are you freaking kidding me? Aunty/uncle, I will judge you! And there ain't nada you can do about it; apart from froth at the mouth from behind a third-hand phone that was on its way to the dump heap.

Why is it so difficult to call a person to order, as soon as they claim to have received a divine call? Why are you so afraid? Your fear makes you pathetic. We have rapists, thieves and paedophiles, going about scot-free because some deluded folk prefer to keep victims victimised. This is the reason that some of your pastors keep getting arrested and imprisoned outside Africa.

Yes, you call it 'persecution' and I have to scoff. You want to talk about Moses and leprosy? That control freak with anger management issues? Anything more leprous than a man with entitlement mentality who abandoned his family for a supposed call/mission, yet didn't even make it into the 'Promised Land'? Such a man is your defence? Quintessential failure as a family man, result-free failure at work.

That's what you're afraid of? Clap for yourselves. Like I said, too easy not to scoff at you.

Chioma Nnani is the award-winning author of FOREVER THERE FOR YOU and BECAUSE HOME IS. One of Africa's most fearless storytellers, she was a 2016 CREATIVE AFRICAN Awards finalist in the category of “Best Fiction Writer”, and a DIVAS OF COLOUR 2016 finalist.

Chioma has also been nominated twice for a UK BEFFTA (Black Entertainment Film Fashion Television and Arts) Award in the “Best Author” category, was named “One of 100 Most Influential Creatives” in the world by London-based C.Hub Magazine, lives in Abuja, where she runs THE FEARLESS STORYTELLER HOUSE EMPORIUM LTD, can be reached on @ChiomaNnani and blogs at www.fearlessstoryteller.com for which she has won the 2016 Blog of the Year BEFFTA.