By Kalu Ibe

When Diezani Alison-Madueke turned on the TV set of her marooned London flat on the 11th of June, the image that flashed before her eyes was that of the imposing Hushpuppi.

The free-spending, larger than life fraudster, who had been arrested by UAE Police and was about to be bundled into a plane headed for the United States, home of his beloved victims.

Hushpuppi was getting extradited to the US to face trial for his theft.

And for 59-year-olds like Diezani, this piece of news came as a refreshing respite from the monotonous media of 2020 that reeled nothing but depressing tales of the deadly virus striking down people of her age bracket whom they now referred to as high-risk.

However, this was more than just another story of an internet fraudster. At that moment, Diezani must have seen similarities that hooked her attention. The words: extradite, trial, theft... where had she heard those words before?

Oh, he also cruised around in private jets?

Just then, while pondering on the fate of the ill-fated fellow, her phone beeped. It was a text that came from the Ijaw National Development Group, reminding her of a virtual event slated for the 9th of August.

Before now, she had been wondering what to say to them without looking like a thief. But when her eyes darted at her TV screen again and she saw Hushpuppi in handcuffs, she knew it was a sign.

Before the video posted on Sunday, the 9th of August, the last time Nigerians saw Diezani was in a photo posted on the 11th of February, 2019 when a Nigerian caught up in London traffic caught a glimpse of the then 58-year old clad in an impressive winter jacket, walking down the streets.

In that rare moment, he took a picture and posted it on his twitter page. Then on Sunday, some eighteen months later, Diezani resurfaced again.

This time, unlike the face of the cancer-stricken woman with no hair, Nigerians saw a video of the one-time Minister of Petroleum, satirically describing the term “swag” while she gesticulated zestfully to suggest she was now hale and hearty.

She went on to condemn internet fraudsters popularly known as ‘yahoo boys’ for reinforcing negative societal values in what she described as “a travesty of an unfolding tragedy for us.”

Diezani’s address which she read chirpily from a script, was based on the premise that family norms and values go a long way in shaping society at large. It was a bit like a moral instruction from a Headmistress.

And any alien who had accidentally fallen off a space ship destined for Mars, listening to Diezani for the first time, would think she was the first lady of a certain black nation. Or perhaps she did feel like one at one point?

In an exclusive interview with the Financial Times in 2010, Diezani Alison-Madueke revealed that the oil sector was badly in need of reforms and that the ultimate goal was to rid the system of the bad eggs that had cost the country losses to the tune of billions in dollars.

Everything seemed right for her. The draconian petroleum industry bill was undergoing major reforms and every media outlet--both local and foreign, wanted an interview with the dignified woman upon whose shoulders the oil economy of Africa’s largest oil producer rested on.

But something did happen after Diezani was confirmed Petroleum Minister. Premium Times revealed at the time that she had been spotted at a lavish party hosted by Christopher Aire, the United States based Gemologist.

And reports that were unveiled afterwards, before and during her theft investigation, were that Diezani had used fictitious companies owned by Aire to divert lucrative contracts running into billions of dollars.

And the rest became history (including our money?).

On Sunday, when Diezani’s video discussing family values as being the foundation upon which the Nigerian society can grow and the condemnation of fraudsters emerged, it was met with public backlash and the resurrection of the famous English proverbial idiom of the pot calling kettle black.

It’s not a problem when people who have been found wanting decide to play angel’s advocate and give advice for a better tomorrow.

One of the most notorious serial killers in American history, Ted Bundy, after he was captured and nearing execution, helped the FBI uncover mysterious cases similar to his.

Bernard Madoff, America’s king of fraud, after he was sent to jail, did help the Financial Crimes Network on one occasion when a financial crime investigation in Washington hit a dead end.

But Diezani Alison-Madueke whom we now share with the Dominican Republic, has not earned the rights required to follow in the footsteps of convicted criminals who became useful in the championing of good societal values.

She has not been found guilty. Maybe when she has, from the four walls of her cell room, she can advise on societal values and we will listen. Those same values which she and her cohorts rendered useless, and incorporated a scheme of corruption and theft that crippled Nigeria till this day.

How Diezani must have watched Hushpuppi that morning, hands behind his back with handcuffs, and wondered how it will be if she was the one being extradited to the very country she had embezzled mercilessly.

And just like the over-bloated Hushpuppi, she imagined herself waiting to be hauled into a jet and flown to the land of her sins.

Oh, how those Hushpuppi images would have flashed before her eyes. But as she watched, her mind wandered again.

While he carried out his scams, why did Hushpuppi not go to another country with favourable extradition laws that would have enabled him avoid arrest?

'These swag people as my son call them must be dumb'. She reasoned further: 'if he knew the dark arts of corporate theft like me, he would have found a way around the system.'

Weeks later, it is the 9th of August, and Alison-Madueke’s phone chimes again. These days, phone calls don’t come too often from Nigeria. When she checks, it is the Ijaw National Development Group again.

She is still expected to address them. She wonders what she would say that would make the people of Nigeria not call her a thief.

She misses her time in power and who knows, if things had gone well, she may have been the country’s first female president.

She wants to tell the youths that “you do not plant yam and harvest plantain.” She wants to sound like the mother of a nation and remind them that “in life, there are no shortcuts except through hard work.” She thinks it through. There must be a way to be accepted.

'Nigerians haven’t seen or heard from me in a long time'. She scrolls up to see the first reminder text the Ijaw National Development Group had sent to her, the one that arrived on the 11th of June, and that was when Diezani remembered she had woken up that morning to the news of Hushpuppi’s arrest.

_____

Kalu Ibe is a public affairs analyst. He contributed this piece from Lagos.

*The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Pulse Nigeria.