Some former couples stay in contact, sometimes even continuing sexual activity. They may even cheat on their current partners with their exes. In Nigeria, this is commonly known as Okafor’s Law.
Studies show a significant portion of young adults (27%) and even separated couples (22%) have had sex with an ex within a specific timeframe (Sage Journal, Psychology of Breakup).
Here’s why people sleep with their exes after breaking up:
1. Nostalgia
When you are in a committed relationship or marriage, you can start to feel imprisoned and nostalgic about the past. Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble says that ex-partners may evoke recollections of a younger, freer, and happier time, resulting in an affair.
2. Familiarity
Many people seek comfort in familiar things when they are feeling sad. Experts say people cheat with their ex-partners because they have a sense of certainty about their ex-partners, know them well, and feel safe with them.
3. Dissatisfaction
The main reasons for cheating are dissatisfaction, neglect, anger, or falling out of love. A study published in the Journal of Sex Research surveyed around 500 young adults about their past cheating habits. The results showed that most cheaters admitted to cheating due to dissatisfaction with their current relationship, feeling neglected by their partner, feeling angry, falling out of love, or falling in love with someone else.
4. Hoping to get back together
Sex after a breakup isn't just about physical intimacy. According to researchers Buss and Schmitt, it can be a strategy for getting back together with your ex. Both men and women use tactics like overt displays of affection called benefit-provisioning to try and win their exes back.
5. Using the sexual relationship with your ex for other purposes
Throughout history, people have used sex to access resources, social ties, and high-quality extra-pair partners. Explanations for sex after a breakup suggest that its adaptive value may arise from benefits like sexual variety, availability of genetically suitable partners, resource acquisition, or social status advancement, either separately or in combination. This is according to the Sexual Strategy Theory (SST) postulated by Buss and Schmitt.
How to avoid sleeping with your ex
1. Respect yourself: Remember how they treated you and how the relationship ended. Sleeping with your ex might diminish your self-worth.
2. Avoid places you frequent together: If possible, give yourself time before revisiting places where you are likely to meet them. A complete break from communication (including seeing them in person) can be the healthiest option.
3. Social media cleanse: Unfollow or block your ex on social media to avoid seeing pictures or updates that might trigger emotions or nostalgia. This allows you time and space to heal and move on.