Marriage and having children changes a lot of things including the couple's sex life

If you never had certain conversations before you got married or if you never took the time to understand and accept your partner, you would wake up living with a stranger.

I spoke with Fatima about how sex is now that she is married.

Fatima said;

"We never had sex before marriage, we only made out and that was great, but I looked forward to having sex. But then I think after a month of marriage and regular sex. I was like ‘oh so this is sex. I think I am okay.'

" I could do without it for two months at a stretch. Unfortunately, it was not the same for my husband. I think that put a lot of pressure on me and made me sort of dislike sex even more."

"Having kids, affected it for me in two ways. Firstly, they were always around, it was hard to do anything without them clamoring for my attention. Secondly, my body changed. My boobs were the best part of my body pre-marriage/childbirth, it is not anymore."

"I got bigger. I had stretch marks. I did not feel so confident in my body anymore. No matter how hard my husband tried to make me see that he loved it that way"

Although the sex was up to her expectation, she got tired after a while.

“I think of the energy I’d have to put into having sex. And I am just, please, I’d rather cuddle and sleep," she added.

She finds it weird that even when she is not in the mood, her husband - Bilal, would still try to have sex with her. Just like most people, Fatima has discovered that her mood plays a huge role in whether she wants to have sex.

"Like we just got back from to the market, I will be tired, and he will come and start caressing me. Or we just had an argument and we have not settled, and he’ll think the next thing is sex."

For Bilal, sex is just sex, but Fatima has attached a lot of emotions to the act. This is common with women and men too. When a man is feeling down maybe about business or his life in general, he might also experience low libido.

Fatima comments jokingly; “Maybe if I had millions in my account, with no worries whatsoever, I’ll be doing it every day. Right now, Nigeria’s wahala is enough to turn me off."

I ask her if she would get turned on if her husband does things she likes. She replies “Hm, Yes, sometimes. I think my love language is attention and companionship. Let us sit or cuddle and be gisting. Let’s talk a lot."

But her husband does not like to talk. “He’s not the talking type. Imagine this scene where we are both in the room, I am the one doing all the talking. He listens, he nods. Occasional responses (while he is reading some project or article).

"When I get fed up with talking, I go to sleep. He is now done with his books, and that is when he rolls over to my side and is ready for action. You know the kind of slap I will want to give him." 

In marriage, you sometimes stay on your side, in your perspective for a long time. Asking how your partner wants to be loved and following through is more important than doing things your way and expecting them to change.

Bilal needs not only to listen but to communicate with Fatima, but make her feel heard and listened to but Fatima should not use sex as a means of control. 

“Bilal, I do not feel like having sex with you because I do not think you listen to me. I do not feel turned on…” 

What Bilal should not do is try to make her feel like she has no right to feel how she does. He shouldn’t say something like “I listen. What else do you want from me?” Rather he should ask, "What do you want me to do?"

Fatima says her husband takes the lazier route to make her happy. “He’ll rather take the lazy route, buy Shawarma or something along that line. Most times I will eat the Shawarma and sleep. 

"He is kind and nice. He listens to whatever nonsense I have to say. He just would not talk. He is completely okay with me babbling all day. His job is to nod, smile, throw in one or two comments,"

Most women are dissatisfied because most men do not listen to their needs. Fatima wants her husband to participate or at least act interested in the conversation. I asked her if she would feel obligated to have sex with him if he cared more about the discussions she has with him and she said she would.

On the other hand, I feel Fatima might be giving her husband a hard time. It will not hurt her to give up the cookie to make him happy once a while and not in a grudgingly but because she truly desires his happiness.

What do you guys think?

On Couple's Therapy, we dissect everyday issues that couples, married or not, deal with like sex, finances, parenting etc.