Stop it! This is not film criticism

Whether they’re hyping up a blockbuster or roasting a flop like Christmas turkey, film critics are here to keep us all entertained—even when they’re dragging our faves.

Okay, let’s set the scene: you just walked out of a movie theatre (or let’s be real, you just finished streaming something on Netflix). You’ve got thoughts; lots of them. Maybe the plot had more holes than an old sponge, or the lead actor’s performance gave you cringe shivers. You whip out your phone, ready to drop a hot take on social media.

You rattle on because I mean, you are trying to build your brand and get recognised as Nollywood’s biggest film critic. Being a film critic isn’t about dragging a movie to filth or hyping it up just because your fave showed up shirtless. Nope, film criticism is a craft, a blend of thoughtful analysis, context, and, dare I say it, a sprinkle of empathy for the creators. So, before you start bashing that rom-com for being “too predictable” (it’s a rom-com; what did you expect?)

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Now let’s talk about what film criticism isn’t.

I Hated It. Therefore, It’s Trash.

We get it, you didn’t vibe with the movie. Maybe the jokes didn’t land, or the pacing felt like waiting for a sloth to get out of the way so you could move. But saying “this movie is trash” doesn’t make you a critic; it makes you a walking thumbs-down emoji. Real criticism digs into why something didn’t work. Was it the writing? The direction? The fact that the villain’s motivation made zero sense? Dive deeper, my friend.

I Love It, So It’s Perfect!

Listen, we all have guilty pleasures, but loving a movie doesn’t mean it’s above critique. Even masterpieces have their flaws. Film criticism isn’t about blind loyalty; it’s about giving credit where it’s due while also pointing out the cracks. Think of it like telling your bestie their outfit slays but maybe those shoes aren’t it.

This Movie Isn’t for Me, So It’s Bad.

Newsflash: not every movie is made with you in mind. That quirky indie film with no explosions? Probably not your jam if you’re a Marvel stan. And that’s okay! But calling a movie “boring” because it doesn’t cater to your taste? That’s not criticism, it’s preference. A good critic evaluates a film based on its goals and intended audience, not their personal vibes.

The Main Actor Was Hot, So 10/10!

Yes, we all have celebrity crushes, but reviewing a movie based on someone’s cheekbones? Not it. Sure, eye candy is a bonus, but film criticism goes beyond surface-level thirst traps. Let’s keep it professional, people.

Comparing Every Movie to Your Faves

Not every sci-fi flick is going to be Interstellar. Not every rom-com is Pretty Woman. And that’s okay! Films should be critiqued on their own merit, not held to the impossible standard of your all-time favourite. It’s like comparing every burger to the one from that joint where you went on vacation. Let it go.

Now, What Makes a Good Film Critic?

At its core, film criticism is about understanding. It’s about putting yourself in the shoes of the filmmakers, analyzing their choices, and exploring how those choices affect the final product. It’s not about flexing your vocabulary or being the loudest hater on social media. It’s about starting a conversation—one that’s thoughtful, engaging, and maybe even a little fun.

So, next time you’re tempted to fire off a spicy one-liner about a film, take a step back. Ask yourself: Am I explaining why I feel this way? Am I considering the filmmakers’ intentions? Am I being a critic or just a troll?

Because here’s the thing: movies are like pizza. Even when they’re bad, someone poured their heart into making them. So, let’s appreciate the effort, analyze the execution, and maybe—just maybe—leave the hot takes for the girls' group chats.