ADVERTISEMENT

AMEBO PULSE: New Beginnings of a Gossip Journey

Few of us like a Monday morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.

And So I Begin…

Ahem. I am Amebo, and I welcome you all to the first edition of this column (it’s my first time honey, please be gentle). As you have have not heard, let me be kind enough to tell you. I love gossip. In fact, I am a gossiper. I am the proud owner of a big mouth, big ears, big eyes,… to cut the long thing short, I have big head. So whatever thou doest in secret, rejoice not for Amebo is watching and will surely blow his breeze so that thy fowl yansh go open. But don’t be afraid, I am with you. Okay?

What a week it’s been. It’s like Christmas for Amebo. Because our Naija celebrities just dey dash me plenty gist. Una thank you. I am deeply indebted to you and I promise to treat every f**k up of yours here on this very column (smiles wickedly). The week has really been interesting, complete with Super Flying Eagles, resigning popes, cat-fights on twitter, a certain thieving artiste, Mercy Johnson’s baby pictures, Yvonne Nelson’s medical condition, and my heart beat, Tonto Dikeh’s loss of Nigerian citizenship. The only dark spot was the passing away of Goldie, my sweet Goldie. Rest in Peace jare. Relax everyone, grab a Jacuzzi, and enjoy this. But don’t forget, your Boss is right behind you. Let’s go there!

We lost true Gold (ie)

ADVERTISEMENT

How can you do this to me? Just when I was lubricating my pen to take you out on a first date with this column, you just slumped and died. Just like that. No first date with me, no lovely eyelashes batting at me, no energetic girlish laughter coming my way, nothing. All I have is your song in my head and a picture on my heart. God knows best. Rest in Peace.

(frowns) And for all of you creating drama and receiving plenty of media space for your selfish popularity over her ill-fated demise, please just stop am. Make she rest. Una try well well.

And Naija wins a Grammy

(singing), “ Naira I dey hail o, una no dey fail. Even una chickens dey fly o, Our artistes win Grammy o…” Please scratch the last part. Grammyko, Grammy ni.

The Grammy award gig took place last week with notable world-beaters greedily scooping all the awards on display, while our illustrious naija artistes stared at them with saliva dripping from their mouths like dogs on heat. No mind them jare. Una reward is in your bank account. My only concern was the uninvited presence of some of our notable Daddies there. Step forward Richard Mofe Damijo (RMD) and Kenny Ogungbe.Wetin una go find there? Oga Kennis, you na big bros, and I still no believe say you follow do this thing, until I saw your picture. You received no invite, no red carpet walk, no expensive bottles of America’s champagne, nothing. Not even a smile or at least a nod from the bouncers at the door. I guess your cold consolation will be the sight-seeing you carried out. Well done. Let’s pray that one of your artiste wins something next year. The Grammy-ful ones are not yet born. But when they do, I prophesy that they’ll sign up with your record label. Amen.

ADVERTISEMENT

With love from Tonto Dikeh

Even though I flirted with other less colourful actresses, I loved Tonto Dikeh. And she loved me back. Even with my shiny bald head, hunched back, bow legs, one blind eye (love is blind, remember), and my 4ft stature, Tonto loved me back. Or so I thought until she rejected Nigeria. She denied me three times and the cock of twitter crowed. “I love 9ja, but I’m not Nigerian by heart”. So with tears in my eye, I wrote her this letter:

Tonto my sweety

Right from the very first day I saw you, I’ve always knew You’re for me. I’ve stalked you from our childhood days when you wore pampers and ran madly through the streets of Ikwerre Rivers state. I loved everything about you from your hair that didn’t grow much (you were semi-bald, just like me), to those lovely tiny match-stick feet of yours that you used for plenty of waka. The scent of your hair and the sway of your pampers stole my young heart, so I learnt all my abcd to z just to write you your first poem. Now you’ve become a star, and you deny my country that I am a part of. Why? Where will you go? To Dubai-wood, Ghana-wood, or Afghanistan-wood. Eh? But whatever happens, sweet Tonto, remember our love. We are bread and butter. Write to me sweet Tonto. Say my name in your movies cause I still love you. I love you, talk your own.

Your Break break Heart,

ADVERTISEMENT

Amebo Pulse (Nigeria)

K-switch, sanco is real...

Oya return that beat. Sheyman dey bring police. Thiefy thiefy. Listen carefully K-switch, I know you don’t possess the amazing qualities that big bros Dbanj has, but you’re hmmm…ok. Your head is there. U follow sabi sing. If Sheyman arrest you, where will you ‘jack’ bail money from? Sheyman abeg no vex. Na the work of laziness. Thank you. And K-switch, next time you need beat, take a molue to any half-decent Ajegunle studio and buy some garala beat. That’ll do.

Cossy’s boobs attract lower life forms…

Brand name: Cossy

ADVERTISEMENT

Product: Entertainment

Most valuable machinery: gigantic boobs

Last customer: A black monkey.

Seriously Cossy, seriously. Abi money don dey grow for tree? Now you’ve got me head-shaking.

Hurray! Youtube declares ‘Banana’ safe to eat.

ADVERTISEMENT

Sharp guy D’prince. Me like you scatter. Last week Youtube yanked off ‘take banana’ video from their site with reasons that I couldn’t really understand. But you didn’t sweat, throw tantrums on twitter (Banky and Wizkid please emulate), or worse still, catch malaria. You simply consulted a nutritionist, took a five-sentence course on health benefits of banana, put it in your video and served it back to Youtube, hot and spicy. We all love to take banana. Who doesn’t? So smile NBC, smile Youtube. Enjoy your clean bananas.

Yvonne Nelson, Please call Iyanya

Still keeping in line with last week’s rollercoaster of nutcases, Yvonne Nelson, Ghana’s sexy gift to Nollywood, took to international news media to arrogantly award herself ‘Hottest Legs Ever’. Without even a thought for all the leggy chikitos our Naija has on display. I was there sitted, staring at her, in the spirit. My body shook violently with anger, but I chose to ignore her and took long drinks from my feeding bottle containing Alomo. But she broke the Amebo’s back with the I-will-insure-my-legs straw. Hell no! I can’t take this! So with blood in my eyes I sprang forward to hack off her legs, when the door opened and in came Iyanya swaggering and singing, “Yvonne Nelson, I have your medicine”. Then I broke down in tears. It was not her fault. She was mad. After my tears all I can recall right now was she leaving on Iyanya’s sexy shoulders. Wicked and insensitive Amebo that I am.

The Pope Resigns

Last week the Pope resigned. Curious, right? So in keeping with my profession of gossip, I took a yacht to Vatican City and gathered plenty tori which I have released in my official statement below:

ADVERTISEMENT

“NOTHING CONCERN ME”.

Shikena. Una too like gossip. Tufiakwa!

Abeg Until next week. And don’t forget, Amebo is watching. Thank you.

JOIN OUR PULSE COMMUNITY!

Unblock notifications in browser settings.
ADVERTISEMENT

Eyewitness? Submit your stories now via social or:

Email: eyewitness@pulse.ng

Recommended articles

Dynamic duo Ajebo Hustlers taps Zlatan & Blaqbonez for 'Dreams II'

Dynamic duo Ajebo Hustlers taps Zlatan & Blaqbonez for 'Dreams II'

Nigeria's podcast surges 482%, Gospel streams rise to 1228% on Spotify

Nigeria's podcast surges 482%, Gospel streams rise to 1228% on Spotify

People are threatening to kill me and my son Liam - Mohbad's widow Wunmi

People are threatening to kill me and my son Liam - Mohbad's widow Wunmi

Spyro, Phyno deliver sensational blend of Afro Pop, Highlife with 'Shut Down'

Spyro, Phyno deliver sensational blend of Afro Pop, Highlife with 'Shut Down'

Oscar Heman-Ackah releases 'Finding Messiah' teaser — it's too good

Oscar Heman-Ackah releases 'Finding Messiah' teaser — it's too good

Sony’s Creators Convention redefines creative landscape for content creators

Sony’s Creators Convention redefines creative landscape for content creators

Eniola Ajao apologises for naming Bobrisky best-dressed female at movie premiere

Eniola Ajao apologises for naming Bobrisky best-dressed female at movie premiere

NFVCB wants to stop skits, Nollywood films from encouraging crimes

NFVCB wants to stop skits, Nollywood films from encouraging crimes

Ebuka Obi-Uchendu knew he'd marry his wife a month into their relationship

Ebuka Obi-Uchendu knew he'd marry his wife a month into their relationship

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT