When I do my own wedding

Shout out to socialite/blogger/fashionista/entrepreneur/professional traveller and Lagos big boy

I couldn’t attend the wedding because I was preoccupied that day but I sent my wedding greetings to the lovely couple by sending over an expensive bottle of champagne and a box of diamonds.

I did see the lovely photos of the wedding and I was impressed. Noble Igwe really outdid himself. The Mercedes Benz, the balloon entrance, and the razzmatazz highlights the ingenuity of Noble Igwe in branding events. I saw my uncle egbon Fashola at the wedding also. I mean this is what we are talking about- a wedding that oozed class and elegance.

I don’t really understand the fuss some people made on social media that Noble Igwe was trying too hard to make his wedding cool. He didn’t try to make it cool, it was cool. Why are people hating? People are saying he overdid it. What’s the point of having your own wedding if you don’t overdo things? I think Noble Igwe even held back.

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When I do my own wedding it’s going to be the talk of the country, not even the town. In the morning of my wedding day, an orchestra will wake me my bride up. We will step on rose petals, and the most expensive make up artist in the world would beat her face well well.

On my way to the church I will be in the middle of a convoy made up of 20 black Rolls Royce phantoms. The convoy will come with policemen on power bikes blaring their sirens. As for my bride she will be in a convoy of 20 white Mercedes Benz S class cars. We will shut down Lagos that day. My suit will definitely not be lower than ten million Naira and her wedding gown will be twice that.

After saying our wedding vows and kissing in front of the church guests that will have four past presidents, sixteen governors and the Governor of the Central Bank in attendance, a dozen white doves will be released to symbolize the celebration of our great love. The Archbishop of Africa will be the holy man to join us together.

My wedding reception will be a mini-movie. I will have three DJs in the hall that day- DJ Jimmy Jatt, DJ Xclusive and DJ Spinall. The hall will take nothing less than five thousand people. The cheapest drink at my reception will be a bottle of apple Ciroc which the guests will use to wash their hands. The cutlery will be made of pure gold.

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My wife and I will make our grand entrance in a black chariot with the finest horses the world has ever seen. Instead of confetti, my groomsmen and the bridal train will spray us with Pounds Sterling, crispy notes.

When we are about to cut our cake, a rising mist will engulf us and Wizkid will emerge from the smoke and Wizkid and Drake will sing ‘That’s my baby’. After the reception we will leave in a helicopter and we will spend our honeymoon in Monaco.

How will I get the money to make my wedding an extravaganza? I will beg. You see in Nigeria you can beg your family relatives and friends for money to start up a business or pay your rent and they will dull you. However when you say you are planning for your wedding, they will give you their entire fortune.

Nigerians are sympathetic to weddings. They will pay for you to give them a show. And since I plan on putting on the greatest show of all time I will start begging now to pull it off. At least by the end of the year at least I would be able to afford the silver Louboutin shoes I have been drooling over for the past few months. Slow and steady wins the race.

I do not agree with Betty Irabor that you have to live by your means when planning for your wedding. This is the greatest day in your life even if you get divorced five months later. If you have to beg, steal or rob just do whatever it takes to make sure your wedding is the 8th wonder of the world.