Let your love be wise

What I am doing right now is one step towards that destination that I know will be forever-shifting. The word ‘pain’ has lost its meaning to me. What I feel is an emotion there is no word for.

Still, to that emotion I am feeling, I must give purpose. My sister will not die in vain. So, dear African sister of mine married to a non-African, please read this and act. In your action, by God’s grace, I will begin to find purpose to my loss.

I believe in love and so did my sister. It is just that now more than ever, I also believe that love must be wise and forward thinking. As much as you love your non-African husband, you must have a pre-nuptial agreement. No, not the kind they have in Hollywood that is all about assets and money.

I am talking about a different kind of agreement. One in which you will state clearly what should happen to you when you die. Yes, it has come to that. You must have a document that states clearly what you want to happen to you, your body; your children if you have any, and who in your family must be involved in making decisions about your last funeral rites apart from your husband.

See, my dear African sister, it would appear that in some countries (and you just might be living in one and married to one of its citizens), the husband has the right to do whatever he pleases with you and your body once you die especially if you have taken on his last name.

So, if you have not documented and shared your wishes with any family member or close friend, he can conjure up anything and ascribe it to you as ‘what you wanted’.

As an aside, are you an African woman currently dating a non-African man? I strongly suggest you do some research and find out what legal rights your future husband will have over you (dead or alive); especially if you take on his last name.

Moving on, like I said, I believe in love and so did my sister. So, dear African sister mine, please love your husband with all your heart but let your love be wise. I believe there are two things certain in life: change and death. We will all die one day so please if you are married to a non-African, be sure he understands that he cannot do anything to your body unless a family member consents to it.

Have him agree to this in writing and get a lawyer to make it legal. Send a copy back home to your designated family member. Love is sweet but don’t let yours cause double pain to your family after you have gone and your husband begins to behave like his grief had turned him mad.

Before I go on, please let me explain why I am addressing this to African ladies married to non-Africans. Truth be told, all wives should consider all I am saying but based on my own current reality, I believe that most Africans seem to have an innate, common understanding of the position and role of the spouse’s family and we respect it. Non-Africans? Not so much.

They are typically very ‘nuclear family’ focussed. Which is fine and you might even like that yourself until you die and your husband decides that he and his family are the only ones entitled to grieve over you. Sadly, you will not be there to speak for yourself….unless you have loved with wisdom.

Now, two more things:

Dear African sister of mine, where possible, visit home! In fact, BEFORE you marry your husband, visit your home country with him. So he will understand that you have roots, people and that you didn't drop from the sky!

Have you been out there for years and not come home? Does your husband relate with any one in your family at all? Do your close family members know where you live? Have they visited? No? Please, you need to fix that pronto. You must stay connected to your roots.

You must have that one person in your family – a sibling or even a close and trusted friend that knows what's going on in your life. The big stuff: like taking out life insurance, or a mortgage or building a home, etc. Are you dealing with any major health issues, share with this person in detail.

And if at any time, you need to be admitted to the hospital for any reason, be sure that your husband knows he must call this trusted person. See, my dear, I know you love your husband and I know he loves you right back. All I am saying is that from my experience, you cannot afford to let him be the only one that knows what’s really going on in your life. Let your love be wise.

It’s true I know that you might still follow all the advice above and your family might still find themselves in the same predicament I find myself now: Where your sister dies (under suspicious circumstances) and in spite of your pleas to her husband to wait for you to travel down to pay your last respects, he cremates her body with no regard for your feelings.

In his mind, cremating her so quickly gives him closure. I guess that is all that matters: how he feels. Why should he bother about my family and I feel?

But you know, I doubt this will happen to you if you do all the above. But still, should that happen, then at least, it will be difficult for your husband to hide under the ‘I am the husband and I have the right to do what I like’ legal banner of his country because there will be someone on your side, with legal documents to say different.

From the other side, you will still have a say.

Because you let your love be wise

Salt Essien-Nelson is a blogger/author based in Lagos, Nigeria. You can connect with her via her blog - on Blogger where she is ‘seasoning’ the world around her one salt blog at a time or send her an e-mail via