Help! I think I turned out right because of the cane, parental curses

These are some words that are not too far from the lips of a lot of Nigerian parents. And they are channeled to one direction: disciplining their child or children.

I'm scared of what discipline means in our part of the world. I'm scared because discipline here, most times, is transferred aggression and frustration. Husband annoys wife and she takes it out on her young son for closing the door too quickly. Wife annoys husband and he takes it out on his daughter for looking at him somehow.

It's a drama to watch in this part of the world where some parents literally do whatever they like because 'na me born am' or 'na me push am comot'.

It's sad and depressing. And it makes no sense. Maybe things will be different when we get a hang of how to properly define discipline. Maybe things will change when we learn to separate our personal issues from parenting issues. Maybe things will change when we realise that parental curses do no good.

Even more worse is when adults make comments that make it seem as though the curses and inappropriate punishments are the reasons they turned out right. It's sad that we take pride in the inappropriate punishments we think made us better. We think we turned out right because of the beating and emotional abuse.

But that’s not true!

Those beatings and abuses didn't make you get some sense. You turned out right because sometime during the course of your life, you borrowedyourselfsense and decided to be responsible.

The beatings didn't make you better. The curses didn't make you better. If you'll be sincere with yourself, you'll admit that the best lessons you learnt from your parents weren't gotten during those disciplinary sessions.

I remember my early days in the university. I would leave for school most times angry with Mother. It was like a pattern. We'd quarrel like a day or two before I would for school. I never did understand it till I remembered I had to go back to school with my house rent and school fees. She wasn't disciplining me during those times because the things she always talked about were things I'd been doing and weren't going to change anytime soon. She was just looking for a way to vent her frustration at the expenses she was making and what better way to start the session than to remember that 'Ebere (my Igbo name) is always with her phone and laptop'.

Sadly, a lot of parents are like this. They take out whatever issue they have with things and people on their kids. Many at times, these kids grow up thinking something is always wrong with them because mom and dad are always shouting on them. Even worse, some grow up to replicate this cycle.

We've heard stories of and probably know parents who do untold things to their kids and a neighbour will come to mediate only to start up a talk on how the fault was the child's. The child goes on to get a lecture on the importance of being obedient and still has to go to bed with a banging headache. Nobody talks to the parent about his anger issues. No one tells him to sort his crap out. No one tells her to deal with his stressors. It all comes down to the child who annoyed the parent.

Have we wondered why we have a lot of young people subbing older people on social media? Have we given a thought to the possibility that a whole lot of these youths are youths who are probably tired of keeping shut when an elder takes out his issues on them? Have we considered the possibility that these are children who have gotten fed up with being shut down because they are younger that they lash out on anyone they met?

I think our style of parenting needs a review. We need to ask ourselves deep questions.

Why are we disciplining our children?

What runs through our minds as we discipline?

Are we administering the appropriate punishment for the wrong done?

Are those curses necessary?

Maybe things won't change until we can figure this out. Let's ask questions and reassess for only then can we raise better children who raise better adults.

Maryjane Okobi loves questioning the statutes of the gods and sharing her thoughts.

On days when she isn’t looking for grammatical and punctuation errors through her coke-bottled lenses, she remembers why she’s a student of Nursing Sciences and Big Books.

She is a Grey’s Anatomy addict, an unrepentant supporter of FC Barcelona and a lover of good books.

Follow on Instagram and Twitter @maryjaneokobi.