Before spouses come

It is an identity thing; just like what Julie Mogbo the author of the eBook ‘Before Spouses Come’ said, “It’s the loss of identity that makes a married man scream ‘I am the head of this home’ and also makes the married woman become cantankerous or the nagging wife.”

The e-book, ‘Before Spouses Come’ is a guide for every single guy and lady on how to know what to be done while waiting. While reading the book, I remembered what Mrs. Ibukun Awosika the Chairman board of directors, First Bank of Nigeria Plc said during her speech at 'Platform,' organized for young people by the Covenant Christian Center. She said, "A guy who has not found his purpose doesn’t have a business searching for who to marry." Julie also gave a thought-provoking example of what she did while waiting; she said, “… it is not my responsibility to search, I’m just positioning myself to be found by my husband.”

I think what Julie said is thought-provoking because I have heard a lot of preachers say that if the guy does not approach a lady, she can approach him if she is sure that he is the man for her. Finding the balance is what I am on; do those who come approaching first make a marriage work? In Africa, women take pride when a man comes to her but in western countries, it does not really matter who makes their feelings known first.

We need understanding. The author Julie, also explains in her book why there are high divorce rate.

She says “… is the fact that there is something not appropriate in the way and manner one goes about searching and positioning.” And according to Dr. William H. Doherty, a renowned marriage scholar and therapist said “… researchers estimate that 40%–50% of all first marriages, and 60% of second marriages, will end in divorce.

There are some well-known factors that put people at higher risk for divorce: marrying at a very early age, less education and income, living together before marriage, a premarital pregnancy, no religious affiliation, coming from a divorced family, and feelings of insecurity.

The most common reasons people give for their divorce are lack of commitment, too much arguing, infidelity, marrying too young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, lack of preparation for marriage, and abuse.” He concluded by saying “some of these problems can be fixed, and divorce prevented.” http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf

The point still stands either as a guy or lady, if you have not discovered yourself you don't have any business thinking about getting married. Ibukun and Julie stated it that way; I also believe that is why Dr.William discourages getting married at a very young age, because that is the time to discover oneself. Let’s look at this from another point of view: What is stopping men who know their purpose in life from getting married? What is stopping ladies who attend church services, they are in choir and have good friends from being seen?

'Before Spouses Come' by Julie Mogbo is not just about who approaches first; the author brilliantly explains what one should be doing as a single guy or lady. She said, “Man and woman were given the mandate to have dominion and subdue the earth among others; so, it is expected that in whatever your hands find to do, let it be that you are gaining territories, expanding, multiplying and replenishing the earth.”

This point is compelling: Work is an attraction if you want people to notice you, get busy with your job. A friend was talking to me about his relationship, and he said he cannot stop thinking about his “babe.” I told him the same thing Julie said, “Let it be that you are gaining territories, expanding, multiplying and replenishing the earth...” and you will see the right person for you.

“Something worth more than the outer beauty of a man or woman is what is required to sustain the flame of love and longing in marriage. The container may attract someone, but your content is what will determine whether this person stays or goes. So, guys, ladies, get to work!” added Julie.

I did a review some weeks ago about ‘Attractiveness’ and one of my research subject when asked the question why she would like to look more beautiful; she said so that she can fit in. Studying her words, it was evident to us that there was no amount of wonderful products she used that will make her stay long in a relationship with the opposite sex. They might get attracted to her, but as times goes on when they know who she is, they will drop her for another person.

In conclusion, from the words of Julie: “Start filling up your inside, begin to till the ground of your heart and mind, replace what traits need to be replaced and make up your mind to only produce healthy fruits because that’s what successful marriages thrive on.” I also recommend this e-book ‘Before Spouses Come’ for all single guys and ladies; the author shared some of her personal stories that you will also learn from.

-Tolubooks.